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Bear Season: Join the Darkside

Note: This article is intended for entertainment purposes only. The nutritional advice that follows is neither “sound” nor “healthy”. However, from personal experience, this same advice has proved to be quite effective for achieving the intended results.
The days of 90 degree heat, high humidity, and constant back sweat are coming to an end. Autumn will soon be here. The cooler weather triggers the wearing of hoodies and sweatpants, the constant presence of static in your clothing, and the start of “Bear Season”.

Bear Season? What’s this you say?

I’m not referring to the hunting of bears. Although if I were on the topic of hunting, I’d have you know that I am in that camp of people who feel that if you’re going to hunt, might as well hunt an animal that will maim you if you miss.

But I digress. Back to the matter at hand.

Bear Season simply refers to that stretch of year (roughly October-February) when men should focus on getting big and, if you’re feeling adventurous, really, really hairy.

Gone are the days of being lean and “all chopped up” for summer. Those birds fly south for the winter.

For those of us who know the four seasons all too well, we realize that around the corner awaits the cooler weather of autumn followed by the bitter cold of winter. The cold ushers in the calling of a different breed of man. The man who answers the call of nature and won’t hesitate to pack on that winter insulation. He does so with the knowledge that not only will his body thank him, but his wallet too. As a larger version of your former self, you’ll constantly feel warm, capable of surviving the harshest of climates while also keeping that dreaded electric bill down as your home will be heated at lower temperatures during the cold months. It’s science.

Let us not forget that Bear Season brings forth the gift of the holiday season. With holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s, who wants the stress of looking great or losing weight? The holidays and colder months of the year are prime time for the best and most nutritious of foods. Foods fortified with refined carbohydrates, sugar, icing, and saturated fats. Foods that will have your blood sugar feeling like it spent the day at Cedar Point and send you into the most epic of food comas. Don’t miss out. Like Darth Vader once said, “Join the Darkside.”

Don’t become one of those people who fall victim to trying to lose weight and look great during the holidays simply for vanity reasons. For all those people who want to look their absolute best for holiday get-togethers with family or friends, I’d like to encourage an even greater amount of people to do the opposite.

Push back against the establishment.

Why not get as big and bloated as possible for these social events?

I’m talking bloated to the point where from 20 feet away people can’t tell if your eyes are open. Bloated to the point where people are concerned about your health and well-being. You know, the kind of concern where an individual pulls you aside, lightly grabs your forearm while leaning in to whisper, “Is everything okay?” Of course this is then followed by the puzzled reaction on their face when you answer, “Everything’s good. I’m doing this intentionally. I couldn’t feel better.”

How does gaining 30, 40, possibly even 50 pounds sound? If that isn’t enough to seal the deal, then let me cover a short list of what you can expect over the duration of Bear Season:

  1. Breathing heavily while walking up stairs.
  2. Breathing even heavier while sitting.
  3. Sleep apnea. You’re welcome.
  4. Elevated blood pressure and cholesterol levels.
  5. Constant sweating.
  6. Intense pressure in your head anytime you bend over (ex: tying your shoes).
  7. Having to find new places to shop for clothes. Get familiar with Casual Male XL and the Big & Tall store, even if you’re 5’6”.
  8. The need to understand how much walking is involved before agreeing to go anywhere.
  9. The constant glares and stares of other people regardless of social setting.
  10. Being the guy nobody wants to sit next to on an airplane.
  11. Relatives or in-laws making sure you don’t sit in chairs that may not support your weight (i.e. whicker furniture).
  12. The bigger you get, the more attention from men you’ll get. Not in that way, just more of a, “Do you play in the NFL?” way.
Now you’re all in. You’re clearly convinced that Bear Season is for you and it’s time to give you the game plan. The game plan to lead you into bloated glory. You must be armed with the knowledge of how to execute your weight-gain and realize your full bloat potential. So without further adieu, here are some extremely effective foods to help you achieve your goal of being big, bloated, and a true beauty:
  • Pancakes and Waffles
  • Eggs (especially cheesy eggs)
  • Hashbrowns
  • Bacon
  • Bacon wrapped Kielbasa (aka Swine on Swine crime)
  • Anything casserole (i.e. sheperd’s pie, cheeseburger pie)
  • Chili (add queso and oyster crackers for that extra boost)
  • Red Baron oven-ready pizzas
  • Frequent visits to Dunkin Donuts, Wendy’s, Arby’s, Burger King, McDonald’s, Chick-Fil-A, Five Guy’s, Popeye’s, Qdoba, Chipotle, Red Robin, Buffalo Wild Wings or any combination of the above.
  • Pop, Gatorade, and fruit juices
  • Generous portions of Chinese food
  • Hibachi restaurants
  • Any All-You-Can-Eat Buffets
  • Cookies and Pasteries
  • Twinkies
  • Little Debbie cakes
  • Cereals such as Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Fruity Pebbles, Reese’s Puffs, Captain Crunch, Lucky Charms, or if you’re like our pap, you mix them all together.
  • Ice cream or Custard (the good kind made with cream, egg yokes, and sugar)
  • Add ranch, bacon, or cheese to anything that’s within reason
  • Salt, salt, salt, and more salt
  • Whole milk or Chocolate milk and lots of it
Keep your portions big. I mean so big it’s absurd. If people aren’t making rude remarks to you about how much you eat, you’re not eating enough. Simple as that.

Now that you have all that you need to get big and thrive during Bear Season, it’s up to you.

You truly only have one choice: Join the Darkside.

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